Road Jes Traveled

It's been almost 3 months since my last post! So much has happened and I'm back to finally spill the beans.  I know that many of you have followed my story through losing my husband and losing Duke . I want to make sure to not only share my losses with you, but also my gains. Because the lows seem to be validated once you get to a high. And I want you all to know that it does get easier and it does get better. Hawaii has such a special place in my heart. It watched me grow into a woman, into a wife, into a mom to Duke. It has taught me about living simply, that there is more to life than work and earthly things. And it watched me fall down onto my knees in the midst of my toughest season thus far. So much has happened here. Yes, I said here. :) A few months ago I got a Facebook message that read "JT! Do you still want to come back? I'm hiring. The job is yours if you want it." The message came from a friend I had met at a conference in Maui in 20...

Losing Duke has been hard. I knew that he meant so much to me but maybe I didn't know exactly how much. I didn't realize how much of my daily life revolved around him. How much I depended on him. How much happier he made every single day. I picked up my baby's ashes a little over a week ago. I had been numb for a few days prior to that. But on that day, I lost it. Here I was holding this small cedar box and my sweet baby boy was in there. How was that possible? How is that right? I began driving myself crazy with what-ifs and if-onlys. I blamed myself and wondered how I could have done things differently. I thought about how ironic it was that just last summer, a year ago, I went through a different kind of "death" . A little over a year ago I was happy. I had my own little family. And now what was left of that? I am grateful to have such a great circle of friends who have been helping me get out of this rut. My darling Eun Hae sent me The Rainbow Bridge...

I've written this a million times in my head and now as I sit down to type it out, my mind is blank. I don't know where to begin. I don't know how to tell my story without boring you with every painful dramatic detail. I'll try to keep this short. We were discussing where we would move once we transferred back to the mainland. Tension was high. Moving from an island to the mainland is stressful. Not having jobs or a home lined up is even more stressful. Looking back, I'm sure that we took our stress out on each other. We were all that we had.  Mid-conversation he blurted out, "I can't do this anymore." Me: "Do what?" Moments that felt like eternity passed and then he said it. "I want a divorce." Divorce. I was speechless. I couldn't put words together. I was spinning. Where was this coming from? How did this happen? Surely he was just emotional and didn't really mean it, right? This was coming from the guy w...

Dear Friends, I am writing this, with a heavy heart, not only to update you but also to save me the heartbreak of telling this story over and over again. On Thursday, July 31st, 2014, I got home from work around 6:30 pm. I found Duke sitting in the corner of my room, which was unusual. He was happy to see me but didn't move much. I jumped on the bed so I could love on him (our usual after-work ritual) but he didn't jump up after me. He attempted to but could barely lift himself. I sat on the floor with him and he sat on my lap and rubbed up against me. He just wanted to be loved. I tried running around the house but he wouldn't chase after me like he usually does. I gave him treats which he happily ate, but he wouldn't jump for them. When Stella got home, she met us outside. He did a little jog to get to her. He was so excited to see her that he jumped on her but immediately cried out in pain. We got back inside and he could barely lift himself onto t...

Some people say that love is blind . In this case, I'm not sure how true that statement is.  My friends over at Fisheye Studio shot a wedding in Hawaii recently. The groom had lost 100% of his vision in one eye and 85% in the other. He said he had lost his sight but not his vision and that he was so lucky to be marrying his best friend. Here is their story --- love is blind | SDE | brian + jeanelle from Fisheye Studio on Vimeo . Did you cry your eyes out too? There are so many amazing things about this story starting with the obvious signs of love that are so apparent between the bride and groom. How strong must their love be?  I love that when he first "saw" her in her wedding dress he said "you look beautiful" even though he couldn't actually see her. Their love is beautiful. Special thanks to Joshua at Fisheye Studio for sharing this story.

I was born exactly 26 years ago. Which means that today marks my entrance into "late twenties". Sounds gross. I cried a year ago when I reached a quarter of a century. But I don't think I'll cry today. I think I've accepted the fact that I have to be a grown up (yes, I still struggle with admitting that.). This doesn't mean that I like it though. At least not all of the time. I've been trying to embrace getting older and one of the ways that I do that is by remembering the things that I've learned.. as small or big as they may be, I'm grateful to have learned them now instead of waiting until another quarter of a century passes by. So here are 20 things that I learned in my early 20's - in no particular order --- 1. Home is not a place - it's a feeling. I love NYC. LOVE it! But when I lived there, I never once felt like I was "home". When I got my first place on my own in Houston, I loved it. But I didn't feel ...

I once heard that it is more important to like your spouse than it is to love them. I didn't quite understand it then.. but I wasn't married yet. Now, I kinda get it. Not all parts of marriage have those crazy passionate butterfly moments. I'm not saying that they go away, but they aren't always there. There are good, bad, and really ugly parts of life when sometimes you forget that those butterflies ever existed before. Everyone thinks that we live this fabulous island life here. Don't get me wrong, Hawaii is an amazing place, but we've had our rough patches. Not in our marriage, but in life in general here. We both go through our stages of homesickness, mine usually much more dramatic than his, and we lean on each other to get through it. Being so far away from our family and close friends has made us become each other's support system. Through it all though, I'm really grateful for the blessing of b...

I've been married for a long time and my marriage is nearly perfect so... KIDDING. Jared and I have been married for a little over 2 years and our marriage is far from perfect. That's why these next tips are not coming from me. Lydia Netzer posted this list in April. I somehow stumbled upon it and I've gone back to it several times since then. I love it. Not because I agree with all of it (because I don't), but because it's real, it's funny, it's unexpected. I mean how many people tell you to go to bed mad? Anyway, I've listed each tip below and included my thoughts on each- but head over to Lydia's blog for detailed descriptions and reasoning behind each tip. If you don't learn something, you'll at least laugh. 1. Go to bed mad. I don't necessarily agree with this but I do think it's needed sometimes. When there's an argument you don't have to fix it at that exact moment. I struggle with that. I constantly feel the nee...